Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
