so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
