If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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