my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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