If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize