He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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