I faked an abortion last night.
My hand turned me down
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
