I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
