I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Boobs speak an international language.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
