FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
