I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
