I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
