Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
