NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
