What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
