I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so that wasnt chicken after all
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
