my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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