I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
