Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
