She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
