Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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