he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize