I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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