His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
