wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
is this the sara with the beer cane?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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