I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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