dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
