I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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