Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
