I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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