I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize