Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
