my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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