It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
