i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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