Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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