I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
