you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
