Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
