You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
