I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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