She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
