I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
