I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
