its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
