I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
