I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My vagina is very pro this idea
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize