his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Shame - the story of my life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
