in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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