You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
