I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
