At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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