Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
