when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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