I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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