my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
