did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
